A Mason's Work

[00:00] So it's one of those days and a friend calls you and starts telling you about the thing in his life that's eating him alive, driving him absolutely bonkers.
[00:12] And you're listening to it.
[00:16] It's a problem with his significant other.
[00:19] And, you know, right around the third sentence before they have even said the thing, you can feel it in your brain like an itch.
[00:34] You are already building the answer in your head for what your friend needs to do to solve the problem.
[00:43] You know exactly what to do.
[00:51] It's one of the most human experiences there is.
[00:55] It feels like if I can just give them the answer or tell them what to do, I am showing them how much I care.
[01:06] It feels like being a good friend.
[01:08] And I'm going to tell you right now, most of the time, that's the exact wrong move.
[01:18] I want to spend this week on a single line from my book in the Workman's Rules section of the book.
[01:27] And it is the first rule.
[01:30] Work your own stone.
[01:32] The full version reads, work your own stone.
[01:35] Insight does not grant jurisdiction.
[01:39] Your work ends at your own borders.
[01:43] It's short.
[01:43] And the first time you hear it, it may sound cold.
[01:48] Mind your business, stay in your lane, right?
[01:50] Keep your hands to yourself at all times.
[01:53] It's not what it means, though.
[01:54] And untangling what it means is going to take the entire week here.
[01:58] Because the truth that runs underneath that rule is the exact opposite direction of a cold detachment.
[02:06] It's actually the warmest thing I know how to say about to be with another person.
[02:13] Here's the temptation we're working against.
[02:15] When someone we care about is struggling, we want to reach in and fix it.
[02:21] We want to solve.
[02:23] We want to advise, rescue, reframe, and be the hero in that relationship.
[02:31] We tell ourselves that we're helping.
[02:34] And sometimes we are.
[02:35] A lot of the time, something else is running the show.
[02:40] And it's worth kind of being honest about what that is.
[02:45] When I watch myself do this, and I do it plenty, the rush to fix shows up fastest when I'm the one who's uncomfortable.
[02:57] Their pain makes me anxious.
[03:01] Their struggling makes me uncomfortable.
[03:05] They're stuck.
[03:07] Makes me struggle in my own way.
[03:14] And when I can offer solutions, it gives me somewhere to put all of that discomfort.
[03:21] The fix ends up being about making me feel better in a lot of cases, at least as much as the problem they're going through.
[03:31] There's a sovereignty question buried in here, too.
[03:35] A person working their own stone is doing more than finishing the work.
[03:41] They're becoming the kind of workman or agent who can shape their own work and gain skills and work on the next harder problem and become stronger.
[03:55] And if I walk over and take the chisel and hammer and clean up their sculpture, I am removing the opportunity for them to do the little bit of work that was actually going to help them develop their skills.
[04:12] The struggle itself is the lesson.
[04:16] And I just canceled the class.
[04:19] I can already hear the objection because I have this myself.
[04:25] What does it mean?
[04:27] I just stand there when somebody I really care about is floundering.
[04:32] And do I do I say nothing because it's their work and not mine?
[04:38] That doesn't sound like a good application of the trowel.
[04:41] But it's not abandonment here.
[04:46] What we're not doing is walking away.
[04:50] We'll talk more about that as we go through the week.
[04:55] But working your own stone never means really walking away.
[04:58] It means there's a way to be present with somebody, abide with them, dealing with the hard thing to help carry the emotional weight alongside them without ever fixing the problem.
[05:11] Because that's not your job.
[05:13] That's their job.
[05:14] The difference between meddling and abiding is kind of a whole thing.
[05:19] So you get it wrong and you smother the people you love in the name of helping them.
[05:23] They become powerless and helpless over time.
[05:25] You get it right and you become the kind of person who can sit next to somebody who's doing the hard thing and build trust and rapport and connection and depth.
[05:41] Tomorrow I want to slow down on that little bit of discomfort we talked about, that itch in the beginning of the episode.
[05:47] And talk just a little bit more about what that is, where it is, and how we can spot it when it comes up.
[05:55] So we know, as fellow workmen on the temple here, that we are causing or are about to cause more trouble than we think we're intending to.
[06:06] We'll talk more about that tomorrow.
[06:08] Thank you.