A Mason's Work

[00:00] Okay, so far we've spent the week talking about agreements and how they get made and
[00:05] what the anatomy is and how we can best kind of leverage our own plum in making sure that
[00:11] the agreements that we build make sense.
[00:14] So today is the day where we talk about what does that mean in terms of how do you close
[00:22] the gap?
[00:23] How do you, I don't want to say deliver on the commitments, but how do you cement a commitment
[00:28] that you've made?
[00:28] Um, because, uh, that's the next step, right?
[00:32] So we talked about, you know, uh, as well, that the commitments that you make must be
[00:39] consensually agreed to or disagreed to or delayed that imbalances in the power imbalances in,
[00:53] uh, the perceived relationships create problems when it comes to things like agreement.
[01:01] If you're in a position of power, you're the boss, let's say, and you're looking for genuine
[01:07] agreement from a subordinate.
[01:09] Um, you almost always have this legitimacy problem with those commitments because those
[01:16] power imbalances turn into, uh, essentially compliance as opposed to agreement.
[01:22] And when we have those relationships, you essentially are not building on something,
[01:27] um, that is going to stand the test of time.
[01:30] It's not going to increase trust.
[01:33] Uh, it's going to create an erosion of trust, particularly when those agreements can't be
[01:37] met.
[01:38] So we'll get into this, uh, first things first.
[01:41] Some folks have a hard time saying no.
[01:49] And when we talk about saying no, the first thing that comes up, if you think about it,
[01:58] maybe your experience is the same as mine.
[02:01] Um, when you say no, you may be reluctant to do that because you're letting someone,
[02:11] someone else down, or because you feel as if it's not aligned to who you are as a person,
[02:20] or in saying no, you are, uh, in some way walking away from a relationship.
[02:30] Uh, I want to help you understand right now that none of that is true.
[02:37] That's all head trash.
[02:39] And so when we're talking about making a commitment and saying no and creating, uh,
[02:45] positive responses, um, let's, let's get into it.
[02:49] Okay.
[02:50] The objective here is to help someone realize a need, right?
[02:56] So if you were on the receiver side, right, you were asking for help and someone said they
[03:03] would help you because they didn't want to let you down, but then they didn't help you.
[03:10] How do you think that would go?
[03:11] How would that feel?
[03:14] And yet when we're on the other side of that exchange, we do it all the time.
[03:19] We oftentimes will say yes to an agreement we can't honor.
[03:23] And in so doing, we actually erode the relationship over time.
[03:31] So Kaufman, uh, in his framework for in conscious business gives us kind of three responses that
[03:38] aren't a straight yes.
[03:40] So let's talk about this.
[03:42] Um, first things first, uh, when yes, you want to make sure that you have all of this
[03:48] stuff.
[03:49] We've talked about what that anatomy looks like.
[03:51] We have a discreet ask.
[03:53] We know what it is.
[03:54] We understand the intent behind the ask.
[03:56] We understand kind of where that is.
[03:58] It fits into the overall kind of architecture of the environment.
[04:02] Uh, you've got the time commitment, uh, and you're ready to firm firmly commit.
[04:07] We also talk about what, um, and we'll talk about this probably a little bit more tomorrow,
[04:11] uh, about what it looks like when you have to change or alter those commitments after the
[04:15] fact.
[04:16] Um, but we'll get into that.
[04:17] So, uh, so you have the yes, uh, you also have a conditional yes.
[04:24] Conditional yes is when, um, you need a requirement to be met in order to be able to say yes.
[04:35] You know, for example, if you were in a business setting, you might need a certain piece of software
[04:42] to be able to deliver the objective.
[04:46] In a personal setting, you might need a piece of information in order to be able to do what you say
[04:52] you're going to do.
[04:53] Yes.
[04:54] I can help you put in that order or yes, I can help you solve that problem, but you're going to need to
[04:59] bring these files with you, or you're going to need to bring this information with you, or you're going to need to bring, uh, this understanding to the table, whatever that might be.
[05:08] That conditional acceptance does essentially make explicit the things required in order for the work to proceed.
[05:19] Basically.
[05:21] Um, the third option is, uh, something that we, we want to consider.
[05:26] So if the first option was a yes, and the second option is maybe a conditional yes.
[05:30] The third offer is a counter offer.
[05:32] And so when we talk about this again, we're not here brokering, you know, for a hostage release.
[05:38] We're not talking about, uh, these high stakes business deals where we're putting together an offer that's going to be weighed by three insurance companies and an investor.
[05:48] We're talking about working with real people to build a relationship of trust that matters.
[05:53] So when we counter offer, it's always things like, uh, related to things like capacity.
[05:59] Like I can't do this because I don't have time or bandwidth between now.
[06:02] And when you say you're going to need it done, can I do this smaller task on the same timeline?
[06:09] Or can I do the big task that you've asked for?
[06:12] And by a different day, is it important that this happens in these, you know, in this exact day and time, or can it slide?
[06:21] Those kinds of honest and vulnerable conversations around things like a counter offer, um, are really productive.
[06:30] When you want to help, you want to demonstrate a capacity to help, but you have parameters on what that looks like because of your availability and because you've been listening to your plum and you know what you can and can't get away with in terms of time and effort and bandwidth and all that kind of stuff.
[06:46] So, uh, be sure that when we're talking about things like a counter offer though, um, it's not ambiguous.
[06:54] So it's not like I'd love to help, but, uh, I can't right now.
[07:00] That's like a hedging decline.
[07:02] That's not a real counter offer, uh, which leads us to the actual decline.
[07:08] So when you can't help, when you can't honor a commitment or can't honor an agreement, you have to say, I can't commit.
[07:15] That's it.
[07:16] No justification, no hedging, no door left open.
[07:20] No.
[07:21] Well, I, you know, maybe it's gotta be clean and it's gotta be closed.
[07:26] Uh, this is super difficult to do, but it's one of the highest integrity moves you can make.
[07:32] Uh, it tells the other person exactly kind of where they stand and it frees them to go get the help they actually need from someone who can honor that commitment.
[07:41] Uh, honest, no is so much more productive than an ambiguous.
[07:48] Yes.
[07:49] So be that person who can say, no, I can't commit to this right now.
[07:56] Or I'll do a counter offer.
[07:58] I may not be the person who can help you, but I might be able to help find someone who can let me make these three phone calls by the end of the day and maybe get you the person that you need.
[08:07] There is tons of ways to go through this that again, still honor the commitment and integrity, but move the conversation to a safe place.
[08:15] And this is all the work of the senior warden.
[08:17] This is in the operative protocol.
[08:19] Uh, this is bringing work to a conclusion.
[08:22] This is bringing a fair accounting to the table.
[08:25] So activate your inner senior warden when you are going through this phase and essentially design, design your exit, uh, on the way out.
[08:34] Either a successful task, a successful conclusion or agreement, or, um, you know, a non-agreement, uh, anything that you're going to say here that gets to either an honest, yes, uh, a qualified.
[08:47] Yes.
[08:47] Yes.
[08:47] With conditions, a counter offered agreement, a yes, or a no is still a effective closure of that conversation.
[08:56] And that's what you're really looking for is that clean answer to the end of the conversation.
[09:00] Uh, one last caveat here is you want to make sure that you include some of the potentials in identifying risks along the way to achieving the objective.
[09:15] If you don't do that in this process, particularly at the close point, um, you might find that you wrote yourself into a situation that erodes trust because you didn't, you weren't honest about maybe the conditions that you were facing.
[09:27] So, uh, again, be clear on this stuff and we'll get to a really important commitment.
[09:32] Uh, the kind of one-sided commitments that we all tend to make, uh, in tomorrow's episode.