A Mason's Work

So I was working with the plum in reflection the other day and I learned and learned something

really productive.

You've probably heard like I have the statement or the sentiment that nice guys finish last.

And if you've ever experienced nice guys finishing last for yourself, there is a lot of positive

emotions that come from this.

I know it sounds crazy right because you finished last, you didn't get what you wanted.

But the martyrdom that comes with being the nice guy, the self-righteousness that comes

with it, all of the kind of sort of self-soothing indignants that comes with being the nice guy

that finishes last is

a big part of the objective of being that nice guy.

Another part of that conversation that's really important to understand is then the nice guy

finishing last is a plum problem.

And it's a plum problem because it is a misapplication of behaviors to achieve an unstated

outcome.

Though let me be clear, when we talk about somebody who's a nice guy and they are trying

to do the right thing, more often than not, they are trying to do the right thing in order

to achieve an outcome.

There is a disconnect somewhere in the line and instead of being upfront, they are creating

an implied social pressure to deliver on a result.

So you'll see it a lot in the dating sphere.

It's where a lot of toxic sort of men hang out.

They will create, they'll do the nice thing, whatever that is.

I loaned you money to a picture car, I X or Y or Z.

Examples about with the expectation, the unstated to be clear and this is where the nice

guy problem starts.

The unstated expectation that it was going to turn into something else, that I was going

to exchange this behavior for some form of social capital, which I was then going to leverage

to get one of my needs met, whatever those needs might be.

And that unstated objective is the core of the nice guy problem.

It's that the behavior is not aligned to not visibly and obviously aligned to the plum.

It's like, well, why are you doing this?

Why are you doing this nice guy stuff?

I don't know because someone told me to because somebody sold me along the line this idea

that if I did these nice pro social things, then my outcome would happen automatically.

And if you've watched any of the Sunday morning cartoons growing up, the back when Sunday

morning cartoons or Saturday morning cartoons were a thing, that was clearly communicated.

In almost every show, go do the right thing and the outcome you're looking for will happen.

But it was just like a big question mark in the middle.

Well, how is that going to happen?

Don't worry, it'll work itself out.

That's not plum behavior and it's not building plum relationships.

It's not building relationships based on mutual respect, all that kind of stuff.

This nice guy finishes last sort of sentiment is essentially that question mark.

Like I did all of the nice things, but I didn't get what I was looking for.

First things first, you were fine yourself saying this to yourself in a regular conversation

internally.

When you say, man, I did all the right things that I didn't get what I want.

First things first, state what you want.

State what you want.

That's going to solve 99% of your problems and you will not feel put upon if you want

a date, ask for a date.

If you want money, make it clear that you're going to do some things for money, whatever

they might be.

Don't let the unstated question mark of what your objectives are.

Lead you down this path where this pro-social behavior that you're trying to do essentially

becomes this badger suffering that you wear so that you can get that social approval

from your friends because I did all the right things.

Look how unfair the world is.

Look how put upon I am.

When in fact, the answer was, stop trying to expect the world, whatever that might be,

to become a mind reader, to give you what you think you want without you having to do

the work, the discomfort, the other things that come with trying to get that outcome.

You'll find that the whole conversation shifts and just try this across the board when you're

out and about and you're trying to figure out why things aren't going your way.

Start by defining what your way is.

What is it that you want?

I know.

It sounds crazy.

Figure out what it is you want.

Write it down.

Write it down on paper.

And put it in a text message to yourself.

This is what I want.

And the moment you write that down, you'll grab your plum and say, is the behavior I'm

undertaking able to create that outcome?

If the answer is no, you're operating out of plum.

See you next week.