A Mason's Work

[00:00] So, we started yesterday by talking about kind of anger and how that relates to being a father and a leader and, you know, in charge of your lodge or what have you.
[00:13] Today, we're going to kind of look beneath that a little bit because when that anger shows up, you know, you're going to need a plan of action immediately on how to deal with it, right?
[00:26] A big part of that is knowing where it's coming from and why.
[00:34] And so, we have to look at the gap, right?
[00:38] There is something that happens that tends to make people angry.
[00:43] And this is an entirely reasonable expectation, right?
[00:48] You had an entirely reasonable expectation in your head and it wasn't met.
[00:56] Now, we can talk about whether or not that expectation was a fantasy or not or whether the expectation was legitimate.
[01:07] In many ways, it doesn't matter.
[01:10] What has happened is you have perceived that there is a gap.
[01:16] And when those gaps get created, anger like magma in a volcano comes up to fill that hole.
[01:23] So, when we understand a little bit more about what that is, right?
[01:29] Before the volcano erupts, we want to start a process of getting around what our expectations are.
[01:40] So, I'll give you a kind of an example from my life.
[01:43] When there was a time when my kids were younger, I don't know, 8, 9, 10, I forget.
[01:48] But I had this kind of like perfect Father's Day weekend planned.
[01:55] We were going to go fishing.
[01:57] It was going to be wonderful.
[02:01] What's really interesting about this is, you know, in my head, I had all of these super elaborate, like, experience-based plans.
[02:10] Like, what it was going to feel like, what we're going to do, what we're going to eat, where we're going to, you know, the meals we're going to have, all the fun stuff that we're going to do.
[02:18] What my plan didn't include and really started me down a path of just kind of rage and frustration was it didn't include things like traffic.
[02:31] And whether or not I'd be able to find bait or the fishing rods or whether or not we even had all of the fishing tackle.
[02:41] I had this romanticized plan.
[02:46] And as it became clear that that wasn't going to happen, rather than sort of process that and pivot and understand that the process itself is part of building resilience and all that kind of stuff.
[03:02] I started to have a collateral with everyone nearby.
[03:08] So my kids who were pointing stuff out the window, rather than, you know, me taking joy and wonder in the things that they were looking at and reveling.
[03:19] And I got anger, flooded frustration, and I, you know, don't, don't interrupt me.
[03:28] I'm driving.
[03:29] Which I know is like, feels legitimate in the moment.
[03:34] But in that process, you have, you have broken some stuff and you begin to damage your relationship, whether you mean to or not.
[03:42] So one of the very first things that we can do to get in front of the anger sort of problem is to do our best in the situation prior to the flood, prior to that, that eruption or that magma building up is be clear about our outcomes and intentions.
[04:06] Most folks don't sit down and do all of the sort of planning and level setting and things like that to know what their plans are.
[04:19] If you don't know what you're expecting and then you're upset by the outcome you don't have, whose problem is this?
[04:31] And more importantly, should your kids pay the price?
[04:34] We, we all know the answer to that is absolutely not.
[04:38] But it's very difficult when the time comes to put all of those pieces together.
[04:43] So we have to start somewhere and it's a little bit late when you're erupting.
[04:48] So when we want to walk that back, the first thing we do is as we start creating expectations and plans, begin with what is the goal?
[04:58] If I know what I'm trying to do, for example, the goal of that weekend was not fishing itself.
[05:06] It was spending time.
[05:08] If I had stayed focused on the spending time of that event, I would have been better enabled to enjoy that experience.
[05:18] But instead, I had mistaken fishing for time.
[05:23] As you work through this, you'll find that more often than not, we as, as men, we have tend to be objective driven.
[05:31] We tend to be object oriented and focused on getting stuff done.
[05:36] And we have put labels on what that is to be a very small and specific thing.
[05:42] When instead, if we take a process orientation and focus on the experience as opposed to the nuances and details of the outcome we're, you know, focused on, we'll be able to better appreciate what's actually happening in the world around us, which will by default reduce the temperature a little bit.
[06:02] We gain agility by focusing on the right part of the conversation.