A Mason's Work

[00:00] Okay, so yesterday we talked a little bit about the anatomy of agreement and what that
[00:04] means and what does commitment look like.
[00:07] We've got the requester, we've got the receiver, we've got the specific action to be taken
[00:11] and the time standard and then consent, the explicit agreement itself.
[00:15] Today I want to talk about what happens in the microsecond between your mouth and your
[00:23] brain processing the conversation because most commitments break when that is left to
[00:32] chance, right?
[00:34] So the tool we talked about last week, the ARAA sequence, the analysis reflection, I'm
[00:40] sorry, the awareness reflection analysis and then action sequence in what we're doing here
[00:47] runs really quick.
[00:48] So we want to make sure that we can deal with the fact that conversations, particularly
[00:55] commitments, tend to run a little bit faster in real time than sometimes our brain or our
[01:02] hearts can catch up.
[01:04] So here's how we're going to get around this.
[01:08] We're going to take the reflection and analysis stages of that process and make them no longer
[01:17] exclusive to internal dialogue.
[01:21] We're going to make them public.
[01:23] So here's what this looks like.
[01:27] So we always start with awareness.
[01:29] Awareness is the first part of, uh, of any, uh, sort of understanding.
[01:34] And that is, uh, what am I feeling?
[01:37] What's going on?
[01:38] Uh, what, what do I know, right?
[01:40] What am I aware of when the request from someone else lands?
[01:45] The first understanding that you're going to have to have is what is actually being asked.
[01:51] What is it that this will cost me?
[01:53] What does it sound like?
[01:55] What do I know?
[01:57] And what can I infer?
[01:59] And what assumptions am I making?
[02:02] Those pieces, um, will kind of emerge from your awareness as you're having a conversation.
[02:09] Most folks don't take the time to understand what that is because they're too busy acting
[02:16] on autopilot.
[02:19] So the way we're going to get this out of your head is by, as you become aware of these
[02:25] things, kind of put a little checkbox next to them where you're going to take that and
[02:30] make sure that you bring that up in a conversation.
[02:32] And this is where you move to the next phase, that reflection, and you're going to extrovert
[02:37] that reflection.
[02:38] You're going to take that process that you would normally do sitting by yourself, thinking
[02:44] about what went down and bring it out into the open.
[02:48] And you start by saying, I think I heard, or I feel like that would put me in a position
[02:58] to pop, pop, pop, pop.
[03:00] It is entirely appropriate to extrovert this effectively by stating the facts.
[03:07] Make that reflection process, not just something exclusive to you.
[03:11] Now, we're not talking about high pressure negotiations here.
[03:14] We're not talking about, you know, you're negotiating a hostage crisis.
[03:18] This is not a place where you want to hide, you know, any commitment that's going to matter.
[03:23] You don't want to hide what's going on.
[03:26] Uh, I know this sounds odd because we're taught in so many ways to essentially hide the ball,
[03:34] to get something from someone else without, um, you know, get more out of these conversations
[03:39] than we're putting into them, right?
[03:41] We're all wired for that discount.
[03:43] We're all wired for that, that imbalance where we feel like we've won.
[03:47] Um, but genuine connection and contracting and agreement requires an honest to goodness,
[03:56] uh, sharing process of mutual vulnerability.
[03:59] So by, by stating what it is you think, or you think you understand and asking these questions
[04:05] out loud, you're not stalling.
[04:07] It's not like a, again, a technique or a tactic to try and create a one-sided outcome.
[04:12] Um, this is about understanding the reality of the environment.
[04:16] Um, and then the analysis phase is where you talk about what they understand versus what
[04:24] you understand in terms of these relationships on either side of the conversation, whether
[04:29] you're the requester or the, um, the recipient, right?
[04:33] And being able to articulate the downstream effects, right?
[04:38] And this is where the, that referential integrity comes in where I, you know, I know, for example,
[04:44] that the moment I leave this conversation, uh, because I was more interested perhaps in approval
[04:49] than the work itself, that when I go to do the work, I'm going to feel resentful.
[04:55] Holy moly.
[04:56] If you can come to that understanding as a group or in that contract conversation, you
[05:04] are going to essentially build the foundation for something like, Hey, and I'm going to need
[05:08] your help here along the way, making sure I can deliver on what we talked about.
[05:15] This analysis phase gives you that mutual back and forth understanding where as upright as
[05:22] you can both be, you can begin to understand the working realities of any of the commitments
[05:29] you're going to make.
[05:29] What does it look like?
[05:30] How is this going to be?
[05:31] Oh, you know, I, I, I know that I get distracted easy by X or Y or Z.
[05:35] Maybe it will help if we built some check-ins into whatever this agreement is, you know,
[05:41] and, and a lot of this is, is Brian's shadow talking, right?
[05:44] A lot of this is, I know my own issues.
[05:47] And so when I have contracting agreements, I ask for these things like, Hey, I, you know,
[05:52] if I, if the work doesn't get broken down small enough, I don't do very well.
[05:56] So you're hearing some of that in my suggestions here, your suggestions may vary.
[06:02] You may be really, really amazing at some of these things that I'm less amazing at.
[06:07] And so they may not be part of your concern.
[06:09] You may have other stuff come up.
[06:11] Don't, uh, don't take my crazy on like, yeah, I wouldn't recommend it.
[06:17] So as you're going through this, um, you know, extroverting that analysis phase, then moves
[06:24] to the action phase.
[06:26] You might say things at that commitment level.
[06:29] And the action is a place where you start that close is we've agreed to this.
[06:34] We've agreed to these things.
[06:35] We've agreed to a timeline.
[06:37] Sometimes the agreement that you're going to come to at the end of this kind of extroverted
[06:42] ARA process is I'm going to need some time to better reflect before we come back together.
[06:49] Um, this is a okay and desirable where good commitments really need to happen.
[06:56] When you have stuff that's on the, uh, uh, high importance that's, you know, on, uh, priority
[07:06] for both people, um, it is entirely appropriate to take that process, that ARA process and
[07:15] move back and forth on it.
[07:17] Um, take time to then go off and reflect if you can't do it in the room and that's entirely
[07:24] appropriate and where you can do it in the room, be honest in those conversations.
[07:29] As you go through this, you'll find that, you know, particularly if you can do this with
[07:34] other people, um, you're going to strengthen the relationship even by virtue of, even if
[07:39] you don't make a commitment at the end of it, uh, by virtue of having these conversations.
[07:43] So we'll get a little bit more into like what the triage looks like and how do we artfully
[07:47] say yes or no, or maybe later or things like that.
[07:50] Um, uh, a little bit more in tomorrow's episode.