A Mason's Work

[00:00] So we spent this week so far talking about how not to solve someone else's problems.
[00:08] And when a person comes to you and they bring you a conflict and they're stuck with a friend
[00:13] and you know now, you're smart, you're wise, you know not to solve the problem for them.
[00:22] So you very carefully lean in and you say, well, have you thought about just talking to them?
[00:31] And you sit back and you feel like Yoda because you asked a question instead of giving advice.
[00:39] But the reality is you didn't ask a question.
[00:42] You took your answer, which was go talk to them and you stapled a question mark onto the end.
[00:47] And that's the thing I want to talk about today because our own desires and impulses are very,
[00:58] very good at hiding in the everyday techniques that you learn as you grow.
[01:06] The ego that you have that really wants to be that hero, that problem solver, that magical
[01:13] solution for other people where you feel powerful and capable and agentic and amazing doesn't just
[01:21] kind of like leave because now you know you shouldn't solve problems.
[01:24] This is the work.
[01:27] It is a skill that you're going to have to work with and develop.
[01:30] And it's going to take a lot of time, but it's the heart of the eighth rule in the workman's
[01:36] rules.
[01:36] You cannot work another person's stone, but you can lighten their load.
[01:42] Lightening the load is a real thing you can do.
[01:46] It never takes on solving their problem, but here's what it looks like.
[01:52] The first thing is letting them know they should not have to do this work alone.
[02:00] When someone's deep in a hard thing, grief, argument, anger, frustration, one of the things that
[02:13] you want to be very clear about early in those struggles is that they're not alone.
[02:19] That is step one.
[02:27] Almost always.
[02:30] And it clearly like there's no, there's no decision there.
[02:33] There's no guidance in it.
[02:35] There's just, Hey, I'm here with you.
[02:38] The second thing is kind of like being a witness, right?
[02:47] It's very strange.
[02:48] Uh, but the weight that someone has on their shoulders is oftentimes feels big because no
[03:01] one else can see it by helping be the person that can talk about what they're going through
[03:10] without trying to solve it.
[03:13] That visibility, that connectedness to the thing that they're struggling with, that being a witness
[03:22] is outrageously valuable in the heat of discomfort, in the struggle of life, that abiding, the dude
[03:32] abides and abiding itself does a ton of the work.
[03:37] People feel, you'll hear it in our sort of cultural dialogue.
[03:42] When someone says, I felt seen, that's huge.
[03:50] The third way that we can build relatedness here, uh, when it comes to helping other folks
[03:56] in their struggles is opening.
[04:00] And we talk a little bit about it.
[04:02] I've mentioned it yesterday and you have to be really, really careful here, but the worst
[04:07] master's job is to open.
[04:10] It is to open a space for work to be done.
[04:15] When we do this, oftentimes it helps just to ask good questions.
[04:21] Now you may remember just a second ago, I said, don't make statements with questions
[04:25] stapled to the end.
[04:27] This is where you really have to be careful with yourself because when we start the opening
[04:34] process, that ego stuff will click right in there, hijack the whole thing.
[04:40] And before you know it, you've taken over.
[04:44] So what does it sound like?
[04:46] You might, you might find yourself asking the question, are you sure that's a good idea?
[04:52] If you ask yourself, if you ask that question, what is that?
[04:58] That's judgment statements in reverse, right?
[05:03] That's the answer you've already picked trying to get them to come to that conclusion, but
[05:08] that's still giving them the solution.
[05:11] So you really have to be careful with the opening conversation.
[05:16] And before you ask a question, ask yourself, do I know the answer I want them to have?
[05:26] If the answer is yes, I know exactly what I would like them to say.
[05:31] It's a good chance you're not opening, you're leading.
[05:36] You'll see it in all the courtroom dramas, leading the witness, right?
[05:40] We don't want to lead the witness with our questioning.
[05:42] That's where ego clicks in and where we have an answer we want them to get to, which again
[05:48] is a big part of the challenge we're trying to avoid.
[05:53] The ninth rule, the ninth workman's rule earns its keep here.
[05:56] The one about there's a right tool in the right place at the right time.
[06:03] Even a good question at the wrong moment is a tool misapplied.
[06:06] The most skillful thing you can do when you don't know if your ego is going to try to take over
[06:13] is just do the first two things.
[06:18] Let them know they're not alone and be a witness to their struggle.
[06:22] As we work through a little bit further tomorrow's episode and close the week, we'll talk just
[06:31] a touch more about how this stuff can be used in some easy and obvious examples in a way
[06:38] that helps you, again, maintain that connectedness and meaningfully take joy in the process of
[06:46] letting someone else solve their own stuff.
[06:50] See you tomorrow.
[06:51] See you tomorrow.