A Mason's Work

dealing with cognitive dissonance is particularly difficult in that when we look at the situations

that we're confronted with where our beliefs and behaviors or identity and behaviors don't match,

we have to go through a very difficult reconciliation process.

Now, for some folks that are perhaps less informed or less committed to growth and development,

they will very likely just kind of rewrite the narrative with, well, I did this because it supports

my behavior or my beliefs in the following ways or I did this because it supports my identity

in the following ways. They just kind of rewrite the script of their identity to allow that behavior

as opposed to changing their beliefs or their identity to then allow for proactive behavior,

positive behavior, whatever that might be in a different way. When you go through the process

of change, and we've talked about this in previous episodes, you go through the standard kind of

change curve. It is very much like a grief process where you are grieving the identity that you are

going to let go of or evolve from. You are grieving the beliefs that you would held and are evolving

to in a different way. That grieving process should be handled just like you would handle any other

grieving process. You allow it at space and time and then you go through the phases. There is the

denial, there is the aggression, there is the bargaining kind of model, then there is acceptance

and moving on and then thriving. As you go through this change curve, this Elizabeth Kubler-Ross-style

grief curve, you will come to grips with the notion that you go through this all the time.

You once believed ridiculous things. Every time you meaningfully address that challenge in your life

where you believed the ridiculous thing and you moved on, you went through a process similar to this

and then you grew as a result. The cognitive dissonance that you are going to experience as you

grow should be embraced and looked forward to. For as uncomfortable as it is to go through,

it is where all of the good stuff emerges from. It is through this process you move past your belief

in magic as opposed to your own agency and autonomy. It is through this process that you grow from

preconceived notions about everyone being conspiratorial or behind your back and move again to that

area of agency or freedom or capacity. As you grow through this, as you go through this,

you will come into these situations and it is best to approach them tenderly with caring

a passion for the version of you that believed these things or held this identity. It is entirely

okay that you believed one thing that wasn't true. It is entirely okay that you had elements of

your identity that didn't work and that you are going to let go of. There is no reason to hold on

to these things. Let them throw through your hands like water and you will find that you will be

better enabled to respond to the next change, the next change and then one after that and the one

after that. As you do, you are going to grow each time. That growth and development is really what it

means to cultivate the good life and to become a better version of yourself. I encourage you to find

those areas and look for those opportunities to see your own cognitive dissonance and understand

that that is your opportunity to grow. When you see it in others, that's not your concern.

Be mindful of trying to fix other people. It is a trap in a lot of ways and doesn't

necessarily help. If somebody you profoundly care about the best way to do, the best way to help

that is to help them discover the cognitive dissonance on their own as opposed to pointing it out.

When you point it out, again, you get that inherent natural response from them which is to just rewrite

the narrative and make the behavior okay. Don't try and weaponize your own development either in the

process or use your own growth as a trungeon to beat others and you'll be just fine. So when you,

again, look for those areas of cognitive dissonance in yourself. Be ginger around the cognitive dissonance

and others. Be kind to yourself through the process and you will find that you increase your

capacities for agency and depth and just a finer appreciation for the good things in life.